Relationships: Why autumn is make or break-up time

By Anna Moore

After enjoying (or enduring) summer weddings and holidays together,     beware the autumn cool-down. Anna Moore finds out why so many relationships hit the rocks at this time of year

The leaves are turning, the days are getting shorter and there’s a chill in the evenings. Even if you’re untouched by seasonal affective disorder, autumn is a time to reflect. Back at work after the holidays, you ask yourself, ‘Is this the job I want?’ Standing in front of the mirror after a summer of indulgence, you think, ‘Is this the body I want?’ And faced with an empty social calendar, you wonder, ‘Is this the partner I want?’
Autumn is certainly a tricky time for couples. Each year, September starts a steady smatter of celebrity break-ups. In the dating arena, Gossip Girl couple Blake Lively and Penn Badgley called time on their three-year romance last autumn. Carey Mulligan and Shia LaBeouf, who met on the set of the Wall Street sequel Money Never Sleeps, also went their separate ways. It wasn’t a good time for marriages either. Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar separated, as did Courteney Cox and David Arquette, and Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman. And at the start of this year’s post-holiday break-up season, The Only Way is Essex’s Lauren Goodger and Mark Wright are early casualties.
Amanda, 30, whose relationship of 18 months ended last September, understands why this seems to be break- up season. ‘If I’m honest, the signs were there six months earlier,’ she says, ‘but I ignored them because there was so much going on – a wedding and a festival in June, a holiday booked for the start of July, and August bank holiday weekend. We managed to enjoy most of that but by the end there was less holding us together.’
It’s not uncommon, says Kate Taylor, author of Not Tonight Mr Right and Domestic Sex Goddess, and now relationship expert for match.com. ‘Summer is a very social time,’ she says. ‘If your affair is flagging, it’s easy to “dilute” each other in the company of friends. If you’ve made plans and booked a holiday, staying together seems a lot less stressful than breaking it off. Then winter approaches, and the thought of being cooped up with one another is a different thing altogether.’
Studies suggest our libidos are naturally higher in summer. Sunlight raises levels of serotonin and dopamine (both of which regulate mood and arousal), testosterone production is boosted by the light, and we’re all wearing fewer clothes! But with every high comes a low – and that can kick in around now. ‘September arrives, the summer party season is over and you’ve got nothing much on until Christmas,’ says dating coach James Preece. ‘It’s the lull when lots of relationships fizzle out.’

 For Mel, 32, the wedding season was the catalyst. ‘Tony and I went to two weddings at the start of last summer and a third at the end,’ she says. ‘With each one, I felt more emotional. You can only watch so many newly married couples take the first dance. It brought home how much I wanted to get married – and how much Tony didn’t.’
In fact, her partner of two years still lived and worked 30 miles away. ‘If he wasn’t even willing to live in the same city as me, I realised the chances of us marrying before I turned 35 were zero,’ she says. ‘We argued all through the summer and in October we officially separated.’
For Hannah, 27, attending a wedding with her partner Paul sparked very different feelings – but led to the same result. ‘We were at his older sister’s wedding – they are a close family and I began to  feel out of place and a bit of a fraud for even being there,’ she says. ‘We hadn’t been together that long – to me, it was still at the stage of a lovely office fling – but everyone was swept up by the wedding. I was embraced into the fold and had to go to the hen night and rehearsal, and I stayed at the family home the night before the wedding. It was weird seeing what could essentially be my future – or the future of whoever Paul marries – and I felt so removed from it all. It did seem as if I was being sized  up for the role. It’s sad but that wedding killed the relationship for me.’
There’s nothing like someone else’s wedding to make you examine your own relationship – and in this of all years, no one could emerge untouched by wedding fever. For those contemplating marriage, they couldn’t help but wonder if their boyfriend would look at them the way William looked adoringly at Kate, despite the fact that around two billion people were watching.
If you’re an unhappily married couple, watching the first dance of loved-up newlyweds will make you feel at best wistful, at worst seized with regret. If you’re only at the dating stage, you’ll be gauging one another’s reaction to the ceremony (under- or overwhelmed?), and can expect the standard questions from fellow guests: ‘How long have you been together? Will you be next?’
‘Concentrate on your partner’s best points – if you can’t think of any, that’s pretty revealing’
Relate relationships counsellor Denise Knowles urges caution. A wedding is essentially a fantastic party which has little, if anything, to do with married life. ‘Try not to romanticise it or let one emotional day distort your decision making,’ she says. ‘A wedding may accelerate your thinking and raise issues that weren’t in the forefront of your mind until that moment. Maybe you feel that other people’s lives are moving forward and yours isn’t – or that yours has gone in the wrong direction. But wait for the dust to settle before taking any action and don’t compare your relationship to the couple getting married.’ Weddings aren’t a one-way ticket to happy ever after, she points out. ‘The hard work is just beginning.’
But weddings aren’t the only challenge of the season. Amanda, who stayed with her partner partly because of their pre-booked summer holiday, found that going away together was not the tonic she had hoped for. ‘My boyfriend and I were supposed to be island hopping in Greece but when we got to the first island, he’d have been happy to have spent the rest of the fortnight sitting in the same taverna,’ she says. ‘I ended up doing a few excursions on my own. By the end, I knew that we didn’t have a future together – and I’m sure he did too.’  
Geri Halliwell and Henry Beckwith recently split post-holiday. And the impact of holidays on a relationship has been well documented. One study by Virgin found that 33 per cent of UK travellers said their first trip away with a partner proved a ‘make or break’ point in the affair, and an ominous 55 per cent of respondents said they needed ‘space apart’ on their return. ‘Some couples have only spent long weekends together and being 24/7 in each other’s company can be quite a hurdle,’ says Kate Taylor. ‘You’re in a different environment, your old routine is gone, and you may find you want to do completely different things.’ You may also see a side to your partner that had previously remained hidden. ‘Perhaps he’s rude to the waiter, neurotic at the airport or refuses to speak the language. You view him in another light.’
The key for any couple feeling a little flat this autumn, says Denise Knowles, is to separate out what’s bringing you down. Identify whether it really is your relationship that’s causing the problem, or whether it’s just that inevitable post-summer slump.
Kate Taylor suggests drawing up a list that focuses on the positive and that will help you decide whether it’s time to quit or to work on the relationship. ‘Ask yourself what’s good about your partner,’ she says. ‘As an exercise, concentrating on their best points will help you value them – and if you can’t think of any, that’s pretty revealing.’ Then, rather than resenting the season that killed off summer, try embracing all things autumnal. A drive in the country. A ramble in the woods. Apple pies. Pumpkin soup. ‘When summer’s over, you may need to make a more concerted effort to socialise,’ says Kate Taylor. ‘Book a few Sunday lunches with other couples.’
If you’re sure it’s your partner and not the weather that’s dampening your spirits, September may not be a bad time to cut your losses, advises Taylor. No one wants to be single through the summer – and who wants the drama of a break-up around Christmas? ‘Dating agencies typically find January is the peak time for new members,’ she says. ‘If you leave a dead-end affair now, you’ll have a couple of months to grieve before reinventing yourself, full of optimism, in the new year.’