Why do restaurants offer “Buy one, get one free” promotions? Answer: To make more money through volume.
Why do both spouses have to work in today’s world? Answer: To earn enough money to make ends meet.
Why do service companies offer highly discounted specials? Answer: To make money by scaring you into spending your money to have other work done that you may not need.
Why do Mary and John get engaged to be married, and set the wedding for March 2013? Answer: To put away enough money so they can get a little place of their own.
And, why do TV weathermen scare old people about impending hurricanes that they know will never reach you? Answer: To keep you listening to their station so they can continue to receive advertising money. And if they scare the bejabbers out of you, even home suppliers and food markets will all take your money from battery, candle, generator, water, bread, milk and plywood sales.
It’s insidious!
I recently had the distinct honor to interview the tribal chief of a, heretofore, undiscovered culture buried deep in the Andes Mountains. This is right from the transcript. I’d like you to hear what he said about money.
“Greetings from America, sir. My name is Frank. May I call you chief?”
“Sure, Frank. As long as you don’t call me late for breakfast.”
“That was good, chief…. But, before we start, what is the name of your country?”
“Backwardia.”
“Wow, that’s a strange name. What’s the derivation?”
“Derivation? Hey! That’s a great word. Derivation, huh? Oh, I love that word. Anyway, that’s easy. I see us as a backward nation. It describes us perfectly. Remember, we’re no Abu Dhabi.”
“Well, that makes sense, chief. What’s is the population of Backwardia?”
“Well, we used to have a lot of people here, all over the place, many thousands. We never really counted them. There were just too many, and not enough people who could count. But, as the result of pestilence, old age, a few murders, and lots of hearts that just stopped mysteriously, our numbers are down a little.”
“Oh? What’s the current population?”
“Thirty-seven…. By the way, can I offer you a drink, Frank? Hemlock, cholesterol, a mojito…. Whatever you want?”
“Uh, I think I’ll pass, chief.”
“Suit yourself. I prefer the cholesterol. It gives me shortness of breath, chest pain and numbness. Whoa, do I love that feeling!”
“Er, yes, I understand, chief. Let’s move on, though. Do you have a national currency?”
“Yes, we do.”
“In the U.S.A., we call our currency the U.S. dollar. What’s yours called?”
“Celery.”
“Did you say celery?”
“Yeah, celery. That’s all we got here. That’s the only thing we can grow. Everyone has a backyard where they grow celery…. Let’s say I want a carpet, for example, I go to one of the oldest members in the tribe, Uwanna Cuttarug. She makes me a carpet and I give her four stalks. That’s for a pretty good carpet!”
“Celery stalks? What does he do with the stalks?”
“Well, Frank, let’s say she needs a spear. She goes down to the spear hut, and gives the owner two stalks. You can get a cute little spear for two stalks. But, she should pay him right away.”
“Why is that?”
“Because if you wait too long, the celery spoils and it’s worth nothing. You certainly wouldn’t get a nice spear, with bad celery.”
“Well, then, somewhere along the line, someone’s going to end up with nothing?”
“That’s right. You’re pretty quick, Frank. Yeah, you got to spend your stalks in a hurry. But, look, we all end up with dead stalks every once in a while. You can’t help it.”
“Well, what do you do then?”
“You just go out to your garden and pick some more, as much as you need…. No problem.”
“But, chief, the celery’s always dying. That way, no one would ever really get rich.”
“Rich? We don’t want rich. Then we have economic classes, and that causes us even greater problems, maybe even a civil war. If people get too rich, you’ll start to get a lot of huts with more square footage. That also puts more strain on the rug maker. And, all of a sudden, we’ll start hearing protests that the smaller huts will want to go on welfare. I’ve been hearing all about this. So, we don’t want rich. We’d rather have all poor.”
“Well, OK. What about medical services?
“We have a doctor. I’ll tell you, that’s one guy who makes a lot of celery.”
“Is he a certified doctor?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really think so. He told me he’s still practicing.”
“OK, how about religion? Do you believe in God?”
“No, we believe in celery. We have a parson, though, and a little hut with pews, but they’re all faced away from the altar.”
“Why is that, chief?”
“Well, in the old days, the parson would do his thing from the altar, and then when he said, ‘OK, that’s the end of the service, go in peace,’ everyone got up and rushed out. The parson would run for the front steps to say goodbye, but by the time he got there, everyone was gone. So he came up with this idea that if he turned the pews around and did the service from the front door, and then said, “Go in peace,” he’d be the first one out and he would say goodbye to everyone. He likes to stand there with a little basket, so the people can throw celery stalks in the basket, and that makes the parson very happy. But, I’ll tell you, he gets mostly old stalks.”
“But turn the pews around?”
“Hey, I told you. We’re a backward country. Consistency is important.”
“Well, chief, this has all been very interesting, but what’s the future for Backwardia?”
“Good question. First, we’re experimenting with growing lima beans. If that works out then we can use them as coins. Makes our currency much more flexible. We’re also completing a request to the U.S.A. to give us third country status and some financial aid money so that we can fix our roofs. When we sit down for dinner during the rainy season, we’re drenched before we finish our appetizers. And we’re asking for pink tile roofs, by the way. That’s important. It’ll dress up the town a little bit. We’d like you to put our needs before President Barack Obama, if you see him. He took over from a Bush. We live in the bush. Should be a natural. But remember — pink tile.”
“Interesting. Well, I want to thank you for meeting with us, chief. Discovering your little culture down here will certainly make the front pages of our newspapers back home. You can count on that!”
“I hope so. You’re very welcome. My wife, Buffy, here, thanks you for coming. And, also my daughters, Lindsay and Brittany. Say, do you want some celery for the road?”
Source http://www.naplesnews.com/
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