Meet my new pen pal. His name is Thurm.
We became acquainted online when Thurm inquired about placing a classified ad in our newspaper. Every day, I wade through a swamp of classified ad requests — people selling puppies, employers seeking employees, work-at-home offers — that don’t pass the smell test.
"These unscrupulous individuals with a shaky command of English are trying to separate our upstanding readers from their hard-earned money," I say, ever the vigilant consumer advocate. "Not on my watch."
Delete.
Thurm, though, seemed like an honest sort who was not out for our readers’ identities or bank account numbers. It must have been his way with words. Here are his actual unedited e-mails, though I did lowercase from all-caps, fix a few spacing problems and delete his last name and e-mail address:
"Hello. My name is Thurm (last name). I will like to place an advert with your paper so kindly get back to with cost to run my ad for two weeks in your print and online category and below is the ad text. Full ad text: accounting rep agents needed for our clients on behalf of our company. Ability to do multi-tasking and willing to work long hours. And you must have computer skills. Any job experience needed. You will be making reasonable amount monthly. Interested applicants should send their updated resumes to (e-mail address) for more details. I await to read from you with the cost."
In these tough economic times, who would not want to make reasonable amount monthly? I might even want the job myself. Being Thurm’s accounting rep agent had to beat wading daily through swamps of classified ad requests that don’t pass the smell test.
I replied to Thurm’s e-mail thusly:
"Will payment be achieved with credit card or livestock? Please advise."
Thurm answered quickly.
"Hi, give me the total cost for just two weeks to run my ad, let me know if you are in the office so i could forward you my credit card charger your full billing. Thanks."
I informed Thurm there would be a slight delay.
"I am currently not in the office due to fumigation but hope to return tomorrow or shortly thereof. In addition to print and online we offer radio, telegrams and whispering for adverts all for the same price if you are desirous of such servicing."
Thurm replied.
"Okay, as soon as you are in the office tomrrow get back to me. so i could forward you my credit card info. Yes, the payment will be made by my credit card for the full billing."
The next day, I e-mailed Thurm.
"I am in the process of returning to my office space department within the day and will process your request via my corporate overlords."
Thurm was eager to get the deal done.
"Okay, let me know the total cost of my ad for two weeks. kindly get back to me if you could run my ad today or monday, so i could mail you my credit card info asap. Thanks."
I had good news and bad news for Thurm.
"My corporate overlords have affirmated the request notice. The advert cannot begin today due to advert space consumed by our village's annual idiot rodeo, but we can launch Monday if so desired. The cost is 208 dollars 15 cents for two weeks. Very reasonable, according to corporate overlords."
Thurm was agreeable.
"Okay."
As of this writing, we are still negotiating the deal. A volcanic eruption has damaged my village’s printing press and my assitant was bitten by a rabid grasshopper, so there will be further delay on my end. Thurm will understand.
He’s a heck of a pen pal.
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